Clearance
by ncis.is.the.best
Summary: Some guy comes to NCIS to renew the team's security clearances in a most unorthodox manner. Question time, Agents... Don't ask, don't tell. Somewhat Crack-y. TIVA-ish. One-shot.


Disclaimer: Dude.

So I'm back from my hiatus. Sorta.

School is killing my spirit. To death. So I realise updates are sparse. Sorry to all following my other stories. I fail. Truly. I am working on a update for 'Learning Under Pressure' and _hopefully_ that will be up soon.

Just so you know, this story is crazy on so many levels, and yet it isn't. It's in the realm of 'this-ff-writer-is-a-total-crazy-and-had-a-strange-idea-the-turned-into-this-even-stranger-piece-of-writing-that-would-never-actually-happen-on-the-show-but-is-just-so-damn-weird-that-it-had-to-be-posted'.So no, I'm not a total num-nuts, contrary to popular opinion, I just think up some crazy shit. 'Cept it's not totally crazy. I don't know.

I guess all that's left is for you to read it and make your own mind up.

Enjoy. If you dare.

* * *

"Director." The man at the door walks to the front of the desk.

"Ah, Agent Burns," Vance says in reply and nods to the package under the other man's arm. "I trust it all went smoothly."

The man gives a nervous smile. "Define smooth."

Vance laughs slightly. "Yes, well they are quite a difficult group."

Nod. "Yes."

There is a short silence. Then the man shakes himself back to the present and hands over the package. In it, a bunch of files are enclosed, along with a single disc.

"They are all cleared. The files contain my findings. The disc is the video footage from our sessions," the man says, watching as Vance eyes the contents. "You are free to watch it, if you wish, although I wouldn't recommend it."

Vance closes the package and raises his eyebrows. "And why is that?"

The man shuffles. "It's just… they do tend to talk a lot. About nothing. It was insightful to a trained eye, but I doubt you be able to see the same meaning I did…" he trailed off under the Director's steady gaze. "Never mind. I'll be off."

"Thanks for you expertise," Vance says, with only a little scorn.

"Oh, sure…" the man is saying as he leaves the office.

As soon as he is gone, Vance puts the disc into his laptop. The image flickers, then clears up.

"Now let's see what we have here…"

* * *

_Beep._

The camera is trained on Agent DiNozzo.

"What do you think about love?" Agent Burn's voice is clear from his place behind the camera.

"Getting into the heavy stuff early," Tony says pensively. "Love." He would seem serious, if not for the beginnings of a grin showing through. He looks directly into the camera and tries to keep a straight face. It is a few moments before his eyes crinkle up and he finally lets out a laugh. "I'm sorry!" he chokes out, holding his sides. "I'm sorry, I can't do it…" He tries to force a straight face, but a wide grin is still present.

"Okay, I'm ready now." Another burst of laughter. And compose. "Sorry. Continue, please."

_Beep._

Ziva is filing her nails with her knife. "It does not exist." She flicks one of her nails and then holds her hand out to inspect them. She frowns slightly before continuing filing.

"Excuse me?" a voice in the background asks.

" Love," Ziva clarifies. She stops what she is doing and looks into the camera. "Is that not what we were talking about?"

"Yes."

Ziva nods. "Then that is my answer. It does not exist. It is a concept; an idea. But it is nothing tangible and I have yet to see real prove of such a phenomenon."

"And by phenomenon you mean…"

She has gone back to filing her nails. "Love." Eye roll. "Really, what kind of specialist _are_ you?" She stops and looks around the room suspiciously. "Is this a crank? Did Tony set this up?"

"…Crank?"

_Beep._

"Are you serious?" Gibbs looks to the left of the camera and raises his eyebrows slightly. "Love? What the hell-"

_Beep._

"I understand you wrote a book, Agent McGee."

McGee looks nervous. He wipes his brow and stares into the camera. "Uh, yeah... I have written several books, actually."

"Oh?"

"Uh huh." His eyes shift away from the camera, then back again.

"And these books," the voice continues, "they were based on what?"

"Fiction," the answer is immediate.

"Not based on your team?"

"No."

Silence. Then,

"Are you sure about that?"

_Beep._

"I'm just saying," Tony is leaning forward, grinning, "we see all these movies and scripts and it kinda distorts reality, you know. Like…" he taps his finger to his chin. "How do I explain this in geek terms?"

"Agent DiNozzo, I resent the implication-"

"And there you go and prove my point." He goes back to thinking, and then snaps his fingers. "Oh, I got it! Pretend you're playing a video game of some sort and the aim is to rescue a princess. You _love_ this princess, right, so you'd so anything to save her, okay?"

"I'm not sure where you are going with this-"

"Shush, you super secret spy geek." Tony shakes his head. "Damn, lost my train of thought. Can I start over?"

_Beep._

"Okay, I'll just move onto the next question, Agent Gibbs."

"That would be a good idea."

There is a shuffling of papers. "What about friendship?"

Gibbs pins him with a glare and there is some more rustling.

"Family?"

Glare.

"Alright, then. Tell me about your ex-wife."

Pause. Gibbs takes a sip of his coffee.

"Which one?"

_Beep._

"So we were back in France and there were these officers chasing us. It was just me and my partner." Ducky waved his hands. "So I yelled back at the officers, 'You stay away or I'll-'"

"Doctor Mallard, what relevance does this have to-"

"I'm not finished yet." He thinks for a moment. "So I was yelling at these officers when we came to this ravine…"

_Beep._

"Tell me about Somalia."

Ziva's head snaps up suddenly and her eyes harden. "Somalia…"

"Yes. I want you to tell me what happened there."

She gives him a 'yeah, right' look and goes back to her filing. "That's classified."

"I have clearance-"

She snorts, and doesn't say anything else.

_Beep._

"You want to know about Somalia?" Tony shakes his head. "A minute ago you were all rainbows and butterflies and _lurrrve_."

"Agent, DiNozzo, please."

"What do you want to know?"

"Why did you go?"

"Go where?" Tony looks around. "I'm right here. Unfortunately," he adds under his breath.

"You know what I'm talking about, Agent."

Sigh. "Why did I go to Somalia?" He stares straight into the camera lens, dead serious. "Because it's my job."

_Beep._

"Oh, it was like totally scary, them being gone and all. I mean, I was angry at Ziva and all, because she hadn't trusted Tony, because Tony killed her boyfriend. Then we found out Ziva was dead and I wasn't angry anymore, I was sad. Really sad. Except Ziva wasn't really dead. Obviously." Abby takes a breath and squints slightly, looking over the camera. "Shouldn't you be writing this down or something? It's good stuff. We could produce our own soap opera." Pause. "No, really! We could!"

_Beep._

"The books, Agent McGee. The characters bear a startling to resemblance to your team."

"Yeah, I've been told." McGee throws up his hands and looks into the camera. "Look, what do you want me to say, hmm? That I idolise my team? That I think of them as, I don't know, family? That I don't want Tony and Ziva to be together in real life so I write about them in my books in the hope they'll be so stubborn and against proving me right that they'll never ever ever get together?" He threw his hands up again. "Is that what you want me to say?!"

"Uh…"

_Beep._

"Okay, tell me about your father, then. Head of Mossad. What's he like?"

This time, she doesn't even look up, despite the unwelcome topic. "That's also classified."

"How can your family relations be classified?"

"As you said, my father is head of Mossad. I have a question for you: Would you like to wake up tomorrow with skin or without skin. Your call."

Pause.

"So next topic then?"

"Good choice."

_Beep._

"You were not ordered to go, Agent DiNozzo. You chose the mission, did the extra legwork and everything. Why?"

Tony shrugs, and his shoulders looks a bit stiffer than they had previously. "Saleem bad. NCIS good. The whole good versus evils battle…" he moves his hands in a weighing motion. "It had to happen eventually."

Tony looks back into the camera expectantly.

"No, Agent Dinozzo. I don't think it did."

_Beep._

"So we had to avoid the officers somehow, because I'm not exactly in the good books of the French police, which is another story. Anyway, we get the ravine and my partner says, 'We've got to jump!' I tell him the jump will kill us, but he is so stubborn. Before I know it, he's jumped and I didn't even know what had happened until I hit the water below and realised I'd jumped in after him."

"Doctor Mallard, what-"

"And that, my friend, is love. Not to say I was _in_ love with him, but still love. Love of a friend; a comrade. And love is going after someone even though they could already be gone. Risking everything for a chance there is nothing there at all. That's love."

_Beep._

"Let's move away from the books, shall we?"

"Please," McGee said, composing himself.

"You went to Somalia too, am I correct?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why did you go to Somalia?"

McGee furrowed his brow. "Because Tony asked me to."

"That's the reason you risked your life?"

McGee shrugged. "And to maybe avenge Ziva or whatever. You know, have her go down swinging."

_Beep._

"So with your family, missions, mish-mash childhood, you say you have never experienced love?"

Ziva nods. "That is correct."

_Beep._

"There's more than one?"

"Oh, yeah." Gibbs says. "There's four." He cocks his head and gives a knowing look. "Doesn't it say that in your pretty little file somewhere?"

_Beep._

"So who do you turn to when things get tough, you know, to talk things over with."

Ducky smiles. "Oh, I only ever divulge my secrets to my mother's corgi dogs and my friends in autopsy."

"Friends?"

"The dead people." He gives an odd smile and widen his eyes slightly.

There is a clearing of Burn's throat from behind the camera. "Well, I see you as no threat. You may leave."

"Okey dokey, then." Another smile. "Until next time."

Muttered. "I sure hope not..."

_Beep._

"Oh, I do not talk things over with anyone."

"That doesn't seem entirely healthy."

"If you knew what I knew you would not be saying that." Ziva looks up into the camera and shrugs. "There are alot of people who want me dead."

"Uh..."

"Silence, is a way of life, Agent."

_Beep._

"Talk? Are you freaking kidding me? What is this, Mother's Club?" Tony.

"So you just bottle up all you feelings then?"

"Sister's Club?"

"Agent DiNozzo, who is it that you talk to?"

He heaves a sigh. "I didn't want to tell you this..." Then cracks a smile. "It's my dog."

"You don't have a dog, Agent."

"I don't. Woah."

"You're wasting my time."

Contemplation. "Yes, I believe I am."

_Beep._

"You've proved a great asset to the agency, Agent Gibbs."

Gibbs says nothing, just stares directly into the lens.

"I see you as no threat to security."

Nothing.

"So, uh, you can leave."

Gibbs is silent for a moment more, then cocks his head sideways and squints.

"Enjoying the show, Vance?"

_Beep._

"You say you've seen no tangible proof of love?"

"We're back on this then?"

"Somalia. You were there for four months. He saved you. Like a warrior saves a princess."

"Did you just liken me to a princess?"

"You are missing my point."

"Oh, so you had a point then?"

"My point, Agent David, is that _you_ are the tangible proof that you have been searching for."

"Excuse me?" Her look is incredulous.

"You are alive. _He_ saved you. Think about it. It'll come."

She gives a sideways squint. "Seriously… what kind of agent _are_ you?"

_Beep._

"Yeah, so I went to Somalia for some kind of irrational revenge. Whatever." Tony tries to give an indifferent shrug, but he's trying too hard, and it comes out as more of twitch.

"That was…"

"Stupid?" Tony suggests.

"Courageous," the man corrects. "Like a warrior saving a princess."

Tony breaks out into a grin, completely missing the implication. "I _knew_ you were the geeky type!"

Sigh.

_Beep._

"Do I think they care about each other? Sure. I mean, they're like partners, you know." Abby shrugs. "Do I think they could get married and have tiny little Tony and Ziva spawn? I guess. I mean, you know. Weirder things have happened, right?"

_Beep._

"So can I leave now?" Ziva asks, placing her knife roughly back into it's sheath at her waist.

"Just one more thing, Agent David."

Her hand hovers over the knife. "What?"

"I don't think you're as observant as you think you are."

She narrows her eyes. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly."

_Beep._

"And Agent DiNozzo?"

Tony looks at the camera a gives a childish smile. "Yes, super secret spy geek?"

"You jumped."

Tony shakes his head and stands. "Are you high? Don't answer that. I'm going."

_Beep._

* * *

Vance shuts off the camera and searches through the files for the two he wants to see.

_SPECIAL AGENT ANTHONY D. DINOZZO _

_Status: Cleared. _

_Notes: Connection with Special Agent Ziva David was seen as a possible risk. Both agents proved extremely competent at keeping information secret._

_SPECIAL AGENT ZIVA DAVID _

_Status: Cleared. _

_Notes: Mossad trained. Not an issue. _

With a laugh, Vance closes the files, thinking of his agents and their interviewer.

"Idiots..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Tony and Ziva are standing in the hallway behind the stairs. He has his back to one wall, and she is leaning against the other.

"So, Miss David," he says with a lecherous grin and looks her over. "How'd your interview go?"

She raises an eyebrow. "The man is an idiot." Her mouth quirks up at the side.

"Did it seem like he was insinuating anything to you?" he asks, and he suddenly seems a little edgy. He doesn't meet her eyes.

She opens her mouth to say something, but reconsiders. "Uh," she begins, "he, uh, might of been. I wasn't really listening."

He shrugs and gives an awkward smile. "Yeah, me neither."

They watch each other for a moment, a slight smile on their lips, the shuffle simultaneously.

"Well I better-"

"Yeah, I should-"

They trail off.

She raises a hand in a half wave. "So I will see you tomorrow."

"Uh, yeah, sure."

They walk in opposite directions.

He looks back, but by the time she also looks back she has turned the corner, and whatever moment there was, is lost.

Maybe tomorrow.

Or something.

Whatever.

_Fin. _

* * *

A/N: So, I'm a craaaazy. What did you think? FAVOURITE LINES? Good? Bad? Completely ridiculously dumb?

No, really, tell me. I have no feelings. The flying monkeys took them.


End file.
